The Art of Being an Idiot
by Sakuchi-san
Summary: L decides for just a few days to be absolutely STUPID. And he's enlisted in the king himself, Matsuda, to assist him. But can someone as smart as L be a dumbass? And what would Watari do to pay the rest of the bills in the skyscraper while L is gone?
1. The Smartest Simpleton

L had just saved the world's ass for the 5th time this week and it was only Wednesday. There were so many investigations and crimes going on that he could hardly sit down to eat the rest of the rum cake that Watari bought him from the supermarket. And even for an insomniac such as himself, at least some sleep was permitted every, well, maybe three days or so.

_I wonder how it feels like for just one day to be not needed. Or for just one day to be just plain STUPID. _L thought staring at the case of bills he acquired from his extensive use of the skyscraper where he did all his work. Then, just like the genius he was, he thought of an idea that would ease his stress.

"Watari, I have decided to learn the art of stupidity." L said putting a fork of rum cake in his mouth and chewing thoughtfully. "I know almost practically everything but the way of being dumb. It's sure to ease some of my stress of holding the world on my shoulders."

Over on the other side of the room Watari was preparing some hot chocolate for L (extra sugar). He brought the cup over to L and said, "That may be a marvelous way to ease stress, but you're not very good at being intentionally dumb. All the wit that you have, stupid will not come easy."

"Ah, that's where I get a teacher. A person who is so versed in being a dumbass that I could be grade A stupid in a week. I think you know who that is."

"Yes, I have a feeling that I know exactly who you're talking about. May I ask when he comes in today?"

"He should be in right about now if he hasn't stopped by the pet store to look at kittens again."

Then, right on que, entered L's secret to being dumb. His ticket to stupidity, the jackpot to idiocy, the prize simpleton himself: MATSUDA.

"Hey you guys, has it going? Man, it's freezing out there but I just couldn't resist window shopping some. The kittens were so adorable!" Matsuda said setting his coat on the couch and heading for the coffee. "Oh and also my favorite cartoon was on in one of the store windows. I had to stay and watch some of it, even if it was in the snow."

Watari and L exchanged glances as Matsuda came over to sit by the coffee table. "Matsuda, I would like to enlist your help in-"

"Wait, wait, what was that!?" Matusda sat up so fast that half the coffee spilled on the floor, something that Watari would have to clean up later. "You actually need my help in something? Is it an investigation? It is, isn't it? Did someone rob a bank or murder somebody? Do I get to go undercover as a woman or something, I could play that role perfectly."

L waited while Matsuda finished his rambling then said, "I find it disturbing that you would be perfect as a lady and no, I do not need you to fuck up an investigation. I need you to teach me how to be dumb. Like you."

Matsuda's face fell and he slumped back into the couch. "I'm not that dumb, ya know. I have some smarticles in me. It's just hard to dust them off is all and the cartoons get in the way." Instantly, he brightened at one thought. "But you still NEED my help. Right? Right? Right?"

L sighed and said, "Unfortunately yes."

"Then I'll do it! For the sake of the investigation!"

"There is no investigation. What're you talking about?"

"Oh yeah, I knew that. Anyways, let the stupidity begin!"

L stared at his cup of hot chocolate and thought, _It's already begun. What the hell did I just get myself into?_


	2. How to Watch Cartoons

The next day Matsuda came in early to give L his first lesson in the style of Matsui. He found L at his typical spot: in his computer chair eating a box of doughnuts. "Good morning L, are you ready for the first lesson in the way of Awesome?" Matsuda asked striking a Superman pose which makes him seem to be heroic.

L glanced up from the computer screen and said, "Right, I almost forgot about that. Let me finish the work I'm doing here and I'll be right with you."

Suddenly Matsuda raced over to L's computer and pulled the plug. Or at least tried to. It took him a couple of tugs to get it all the way out. "Sorry L, but that's the first rule in being like me: No Work. So that means the computer stays unplugged for the whole time the lesson goes on."

"Pray tell, what is the lesson for today? I hope it doesn't involve dressing like a lady..."

"Nope, dressing up comes later. But today our first lesson is: Watching Cartoons! Something I'm sure you've never did since you were 5 years old."

"Actually I haven't seen cartoons since I was 3. I found them mundane and unreal. News channels held more excitement. Wait, did you say 'dressing up comes later'?" But by that time Matsuda was already heading to one of the guest rooms and L had to grab his doughnuts and go along.

In the room Matsuda sat down on the couch and waited for L to shuffle in. "Now before we even cut on the TV I have to teach you the way to _sit_ while watching TV. Let me demonstrate." Matsuda then took off his shoes and socks, put his feet up on the table, hands behind his head, and slouched until it looked like the couch was eating him. "Ahhh. So relaxing, now it's your turn."

"Matsuda, as you well know I don't ever sit any other way but with my feet drawn up. It helps me think and increases my IQ by 40%. Plus, unlike other people I find it oddly comfortable."

"But isn't the whole reason of this was to decrease some of your stress from working investigations? You only have to do this to watch some cartoons."

L sighed and sat down the same way Matsuda was. "How in the hell do you _breathe_?"

"Um, through my nose?"

"Never mind. Okay, we're supposed to be watching cartoons, correct? Since I haven't seen those in years I'll let you pick."

"Nice and I have the perfect one! A little show I like to call Baka and Test, something to get those laugh muscles of yours dusted off. Let us commence!"

But it was not to be as relaxing as Matsuda wanted it to be. All throughout the show L asked questions and pointed out obvious things. "Of course that one's a _boy._ Do all of them need glasses or something? It might help him though if he changed his hairstyle of course. And also, there can't be humans that weird, could there?"

_Look who's talking about about weird. _Matsuda thought as he sighed and turned off the television. "Alright, first lesson adjourned. Did you find this less stressful?"

As they both walked back to the main lobby L said, "Oddly yes I did. I feel lighter for some reason."

Meanwhile in L's study Watari was staring at the pile of bills on the desk. _Lights, water, heat, food... Oh dear, money is going to be a problem. _Watari thought reaching for the phone on the desk. "With L not doing investigations I'll just have to kick up some money myself." He waited for the person on the other end of the phone to pick up.

"Hello and good morning curator of Wammy House. I would like to borrow a child for a few days...no I won't take all of them...particularly someone _cute_ for his age...yes he would do nicely. Thank you very much. Good day."

And with that Watari went to prepare for his money making plan while L wondered what Matsuda meant by 'dressing up'.


	3. Playing Dress Up

Matsuda came in the next day with an armload of shopping bags, staggering under the weight of them. When L saw these he instantly assumed that this was the 'dressing up' part of his lesson. "Please tell me why dressing up is a way to relax. And if there is anything polyester in there, then I'm not wearing it. It makes me chafe."

"That's alright, I'll wear the polyester stuff. But this is all necessary for your next lesson in Matsui: Cosplay! Everyone cosplays!"

"I don't. And that means not everyone does it."

"Ugh, don't be a sour puss. Come on and choose which costume you want to wear. I even have some things from Shakespeare, since you probably like reading that boring stuff." Matsuda said pulling out some kimonos, frilly shirts, fake swords and amulets, and slacks.

"Do I really have to do this?" L asked holding up a shirt that looked like it could cut you in two, it was just that tight.

"YES. You wanted ways to relax, and this is how you do it. I have an idea! Let's cosplay Bleach! It's something that you might get into."

"The cleaning product?"

"No, the anime! Here, you can play the Espada Ulquiorra. He kinda reminds me of you for some reason. And I'll play...umm...I'll play Ichigo! Now we could do courageous battle!"

L looked at the costume and the fake headpiece. "What are fighting for? It might make more sense to fight for a purpose."

"Oh, it's over a kidnapped girl. And we get to use the fake swords and shout all kinds of chants and stuff."

L perked up at the thought of hitting Matsuda with something. This just might be an easy way to relive stress. Just then Matsuda hit him over the head yelling something about Orihime. _Who the hell is that?_ L shrugged off the question and hit Matsuda with the other sword.

For something so stupid, L never had had this much fun in his life.

Meanwhile...

Watari and Light were waiting on the curb for someone to arrive. This someone was essential to Watari's money making plan and apparently so was Light. But that didn't mean that Light liked it.

In fact he was far from cool.

"I mean really!? You actually want me to work with that BRAT again? After all the hell he put me through when I had to babysit his ass." Light fumed with his arms crossed.

"I see why you're distressed. Near can often be a handfull, but you two are important to the plan I have to pay the bills on the skyscraper. Unless you want to end up with no technology for investigating."

Light was about to argue again when a black van came up. Sliding open the door, Near hopped out with an Astroboy figure and walked over to where Watari was standing. He froze when he saw Light and said, "What is I'M A GAY doing here? I agreed to come to help you and L, not put up with an idiot."

"I'm not an idiot and stop calling me gay! I'm your elder, remember? Show some respect."

"Respect is for smart people." Near said with that smirk curling on his face.

Before the interaction could get out of hand Watari stepped in and said, "If you two are done catching up I would like to tell you my plan of action to pay the bills on the skyscraper. It's very simple and almost fool-proof. Plus, I needed good actors and thought you two would fit the bill just fine."

But when he told them the plan they both replied, "No Way."

Watari fixed them with a stern glare. "It doesn't matter what you two _want _to do. It's what I'm _telling you_ to do. NO objections. Is that clear?"

Both looked at each other and replied, "Yessir."


	4. Brotherly 'Love'

For L's next lesson Matsuda didn't come in until one in the afternoon. With him he carried a pillow and a baby blue blanket. "I see you're still wide awake L. Well you won't be for long because today's lesson in Matsui is: Napping."

L looked up from his chocolate covered strawberries and hot chocolate. "Really? I don't recall the last time I took a nap. Honestly I don't even remember the last time I've been _ASLEEP_."

Matsuda paused and stared at L. _He can't remember the last time he's been sleep. Is his blood made of caffeine and sugar? _He laid the pillow and blanket on the couch, then cut on the TV. "This is the best way to nap: on the couch with the television on. Don't ask why, but it works!"

"I should guess so, you're the expert here." L crossed over and plopped himself on the couch while Matsuda stretched out in a recliner on the other side.

Within seconds both were knocked out with the TV still going.

On the street outside Watari was just putting the finishing touches on Light and Near's clothing for their role. His plan was for Light and Near to act as two orphaned brothers caring for each other on the mean streets of Japan. It was known for kind people to give money to children and since Light was a good actor and Near was actually an orphan then the plan should go smoothly.

After mushing some dirt into Near's hair to make his guise look more authentic Watari said, "In order for this to work you and Light must appear loving and protective of each other. Someone is bound to overhear you two and slip you some money."

Near sneezed from the dust coming from his hair and replied, "Loving and protective: I think I could pull that off. The only problem is if that simpleton over there can stay in character and not look like a creepy pedophile."

Light fumed at this snark comment. This was exactly the reason why he never wanted kids. "For your information I can act very well. And you better can it with the insults because right now your hair looks like the back of a skunk. But that might not be a problem since you probably smell like one too."

Before the argument could escalate Watari saw a couple coming down the sidewalk towards them. "Stop arguing because we've got our first chance. I'll hide in this alleyway while you two start acting. Remember, be brotherly and protective." And with that Watari vanished into the shadows, leaving Near and Light to improv on a convincing 'brotherly' act.

Near started straight in with his act. "Dear brother, when are we going to find something to eat? We haven't eaten in 2 days and I don't know if I could take anymore of it." The whine was convincing enough for almost anyone to believe. Except Light.

_This is so messed up. I mean SO MESSED UP. Well...let's get this over with. _"Dear brother, don't fret. As long as we stick together we can find a way to scrap up some food. I have sworn to protect you and that I shall." Light said bending down next to Near and giving him a pat on the head, albeit a little _too _hard.

Near eyes filled with mock-tears and said, "I'm so glad you still care, even if you don't have all that much brain." And with that, they _embraced _with a slight disgust and waited for the results.

Just as Watari predicted, the couple had stood there and watched the whole heart breaking dilemma. "Oh, you poor dears! I am so sorry for your hard times. Rick please, give these boys some money to buy something to eat with. I can't stand hungry children."

The man, Rick, reached into his pocket and came out with $200! "Here you go boys. One hundred for each of you. Continue to take care of each other, ya hear?"

"Yessir. Thank you sir!" Light and Near chorused while Light took the wad of cash. When the couple left, Watari came out of the alleyway and took the roll of money from Light.

"Very good boys. At this rate we'll have everything paid off by today. Keep it up."

And they did keep it up. For two people who couldn't have hated each other more, they sure were good 'brothers'. By the end of the day Watari had $5,000 in his back pocket.


	5. Twister Master

L was already up and about, even before Matsuda came in for the next lesson. For some odd reason he was excited about the last lesson in Matsui even though they were nothing but things that normal people would do. "So what inane doings are we going to be up to today?" L asked while consuming a large amount of gummy bears from a king-sized bag.

"In today's last lesson we are going to explore the art of games!" Matsuda said dropping the large bag he had on the floor and taking out the games. "Most of them are unopened because, well...um, I've never had anyone play these with me before. Kinda sucks, ya know?"

L looked at the gigantic selection of games in front of him. "If you didn't have anyone to play with then why are there so many of them?"

"Well, I thought that I would be able to play them with you or Light, but you were always too busy to do anything else. Or Light would cuss at me and throw pens at my head. But that doesn't matter now because today we're going to try every single one of these!"

_Looks like I've been singled into a playdate and a lesson today. _"Alright, what do we start with first?"

Matsuda hastily held up a game that he's been wanting to play with someone for a long time. "TWISTER! We're going to play Twister. It's the easiest game to play here and it would be much more fun to play with someone then by yourself."

L looked at the description of the game, then at Matsuda, then back at the game. It didn't look like a comfortable thing to be playing. He was pretty sure that some body parts didn't bend that way. "Um, can't we play something else first?"

"NO. If you don't play this then you fail this lesson in Matsui. Now stop being a wet blanket and help me set up." Matsuda said spreading the game board and setting up the spinner on the floor.

Having never failed anything in his life, L went to help set up the game board. After it was set up the game commenced, rather shakily at first. There was a lot of stepping on hands and feet, accidental elbows to the face and lots of shouts of, "My arm doesn't go that way", "Your feet are cold", and "Please don't put your hand there".

But by the time the game really got going L was laughing almost as much as Matsuda. Particularly because Matsuda had no flexibility whatsoever and didn't know his left hand from his right foot. L even suggested a second chance to play the game.

_Taking Matsui lessons wasn't that bad. On the contrary, it went better than I thought it would._

Back outside of the building Watari, Light, and Near's lucky scam was about to get bashed. It seems like word has gotten around about the 'two poor brothers' and people were intentionally seeking them out to give them money. But a few couples have noticed that with every passing day the 'brothers' seemed to be getting more clean and more mean towards each other.

What finally blew the cover of the scheme was when Light showed up in a cashmere sweater at the local supermarket and Near was seen with a brand new, limited edition Astroboy figure.

Watari knew the jig was up when he saw a policeman rounding the corner and heading straight towards them. "Hey you three! Stay right there and let me ask ya a coupla of questions!"

_Damn, damn, damn! We're busted, done! _Light thought looking at the policeman bearing down on them. Near and Watari must had had the same thought because both looked equally distressed.

But before the policeman could get out a word Watari said, "My dear fellow, I am glad you came! I was just questioning these two myself on the shenanigans that they're pulling. Cheating people out of their money, for shame." Watari shook his head thinking, _Better play a different role, I'm to damn old to go to jail. __Plus, I still need the money to pay the bills today._

"Oh really eh? Well, thanks but leave this to the professionals." The policeman said turning toward Light and Near who stared in horror at Watari. "I had countless witnesses report the exact same act about two 'brothers' on the street. But all said that they looked too different to be brothers and that one was wearing a cashmere sweater at a supermarket. Sounds fishy, eh?"

_IDIOT. Who wears a cashmere sweater to go shopping? _Near thought, but what he said was, "Please don't take me to jail! He made me do it! Please, I'm too young!"

"Calm down sonny, you're still a minor so you won't be going. But you on the other hand are going to the slammer for criminal activity." The cop said to Light slapping handcuffs on his wrists.

"WHAT! ONLY ME? But they were in on it too, they're just pinning it on me! Watari tell them what we were doing! Come ON. I can't go to jail, not now! I have a LIFE. LET ME GO!" Light yelled as the police dragged him down the sidewalk.

"Oh bother. I'd hoped we wouldn't get caught. Looks like when L starts working again we'll have to save up for Light's bail money. Hopefully it would only be a month or so." Watari said to Near as they walked into the skyscraper.


	6. Lessons Completed

When Watari and Near came into the lobby they couldn't believe their eyes. Seeing L and Matsuda _playing Twister_. _This doesn't make sense. Is Matsuda's naivety contagious? I hope I don't catch it. _Near thought as he watched L spin the spinner with his foot and put his right hand on yellow. _What has the world come to?_

Watari walked up to the game mat and cleared his throat politely. "Um, L? I would like to inform you that we have gotten up enough money to pay the bills on the skyscraper. Thanks to Near and Light, of course. But...the money isn't going to last for long so I was wondering when you were going to go back to work?"

L paused in his game play and stood up. "Oh. I almost forgot about the problem with the bills. I was so busy taking Matsui lessons that it didn't cross my mind."

Just then Near spoke up with a look on his face that you hardly see on the face of a genius: confusion. "_Matsui lessons? _What the _hell_ are they? I've never taken them before or even heard of them."

Matsuda got up and dusted himself off. He put on his best lecturing voice and stated, "Matsui lessons are the art of being cool and going with the flow. A way to comfortably be YOU. The way of Relaxation and Fun. Now, doesn't that sound amazing?"

Matsuda was met with a blank stare from Near. "So Matsui lessons aren't lessons to improve brain capability? Then, no thank you." He turned to L and asked, "Why are you taking these _lessons_ anyways? Aren't you supposed to be working or investigating something?"

"Well yes, I guess I was supposed to be doing that stuff. But a person could only do so much without being tired of doing the same thing. If I had a choice I wouldn't want to go back to working." L said reclining on the sofa across from the coffee table and taking a chocolate covered strawberry.

Watari and Near looked at each other sheepishly. They still haven't told L about what happened to Light. And didn't know how to breach the subject. But luckily they didn't have to because Matsuda did it for them.

"Hey Watari didn't you say that Near and Light helped you? Well where's Light? Maybe he might be interested in the ways of Matsui because boy does he need to relax."

"Ahem. That's just the thing you two. Light is incarcerated at the moment, in the city jail." Watari said.

L and Matsuda didn't know what to say at first. L was the first to regain his composure, cleared his throat, and said, "Well there goes not wanting to work anymore. So how much is his bail?"

"$10,000." Near said nonchalantly playing with his Astroboy figure.

"WOW! $10,000! What did he do? Did he finally hit a little kid on the street? I knew Light didn't like children, but that might have done it!" Matsuda babbled, yet again jumping to conclusions.

"Matsuda. I'm pretty sure Light didn't do anything as serious as that." L replied then turned to Watari and Near. "I'm not going to ask how he got in there, but it's going to take about a month and a half to get him out. With me taking my Matsui lessons and all."

Matsuda perked up at the last sentence. "You really want to continue taking lessons? Honestly? THAT'S AWESOME! Finally someone that knows the way of MATSUI!"

L smiled as he ate his last chocolate covered strawberry. "So, how about another game of Twister?"

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

_**I want to leave Light in jail for now, probably make a fanfic out of that. And bring in the rest of the Trio to help break him out. **_

_**Now there's an idea.**_


End file.
